I've been everywhere, y'all. 49 states, 11 countries. But as awesome as Toronto and Paris and Accra were, this week I was in Pueblo, Colorado. Surprisingly cool town! A very Western town. A very Hispanic Western town. And you know what that means. A taco truck on every corner? Damn, that remains the dream. But you know what Puebloans REALLY love? Green Chile Sauce! Seriously, they make anything, and they're like "Damn this is good, but can we Hatch it up and make it better?"
Yes. Yes they can. I had Green Chile Pizza, Green Chile Burger, and this wondrous thing they call a Slopper, which is a Buffalo burger on an open faced bun on top of French fries wirh Green Chile Sauce dumped over the whole thing!
They actually made this. The utter madmen!
So I'd eat these insane concoctions and then walk it off around their gorgeous Riverwalk built around the Arkansas River. In Colorado. I know, I was confused as well. At night it's lit up and you have people walking their dogs, jogging or if you're me trying to shake loose the the Chile sauce from my arteries.
Every town should have a river walk. Even if they don’t have a river.
And I'll be happy to report I went to all these place fully Jenn and nobody gave me any trouble. The place wasn't exactly dripping in rainbows, but Colorado is a very LGBTQ+ friendly state, at least until you get up into the Boebert corners of the state.
But hey, I was there to do a job, supposedly. I installed this little teaching lab at a local Junior college, and it went really well. But I was having some obsessions nonetheless.
Do you like my stupid hair?
Let's talk about dysphoria. I know, I know, thus might be informative. I'll keep it short. The basic idea is that my brain expects my body to look a certain way, and it doesn't and that causes me a lot of mental anguish. The only real cure is to change my body to look like my brain expects. This is where the chuds say "Maybe you should get therapy instead hurr durr" Oh wow, you're total geniuses! It's not like I'm not constantly in therapy and this all has to be approved by a doctor I have to convince I'm trans enough to need HRT or anything. Anyway, It manifests differently with everyone about different things at different times. For me lately? It's been about hair.
I hate my hair. Hate it hate it hate. Others love it, which honestly just kinda pisses me off. And I get why they love it. At its best, it’s fun! I post these pictures of it organized and curled just so, never mind how easily upset that is, and then it just looks like crazy clown hair. But, I love it too. I love to feel it bounce around when I walk, and to be able to work my fingers through it and play with it. I spent half my life buzzing it off and hiding it under a ballcap. Never again. In fact, I don't even own any hats anymore!
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Hah, you thought there’d be a old picture of me here with a ballcap.
It's a love/hate thing and it's a war ( I mean what IS a war other than a love/hate thing? and nothing less than an absolute win will be accepted. Victory! Victory in our time and on my head!
Every week it's something different. Every new place I go I try something different. Part in the middle? Totally curled? Mousse? Gel? Something has to work. It's a problem though. I worry so much about it being out of place that I'm messing with it when I should be concentrating on the job at hand. As my wife (did I mention we're lesbians? We're lesbians. Highly recommend) has said, "People aren't paying attention to your hair until you're constantly messing with it." Smart girl. Gorgeous too, but that's another article.
Long story short (too late) this week I discovered leave in conditioner, and it made a big difference! And let me tell you, this isn’t my first or even 12th hair product. I’ve bought the 70 dollar goop from the salon. Several different kinds. But none of it worked. Yet somehow, this 6 dollar bottle of Tresemme from Target? I kept checking and it kept staying in place! So that's this week's progress.
Can you tell I didn't know what to wear?
So you travel the country, and in a fit of inspiration you pulled the pin at work and changed your entire identity. Empowering! Validating! Euphoric! Umm, a big wardrobe problem. Suddenly you've got these professional guy clothes that ok, looked good on the other guy but for Jennifer? Yeah not so much. What to do?
My immediate answer was buy 4 woman's cut polos and be neutral. I did for my first install, along with the same black slacks I had. That worked once. Good enough, like installer mode, y'know? But it didn't get me Gendered correctly and had people calling me Jim when I said Jenn. Yeah girl, that ain't it.
So for my next one I bought two women's button down shirts and matching slacks. That was a little better. I also found some zip up work boots that were slim enough to not seem totally guyish.
I then came up with the game plan. Every install I'd try to upgrade my look by 1 item. And that's what I've been doing. A slightly more femme necked button down. Some wide legged slacks, a pullover blouse.
For this one I wondered, what keeps me from wearing other femme tops? (I’m talking about clothes, you pervs! Ahem.) It's the sleeves, mostly. I know, I know, women can have flabby upper arms. But it's triggering to have that seen, and not very professional besides. Or that’s the internalized transphobia talking. Did you know trans woman can have transphobia towards themselves? It’s true. Baffling, but true. Then answer hit me - add in a covering! I bought a sleeved wrap with a tapered, ruffled front meant to be work over a blouse. Covered the upper arms, and I think it's going to open up a world of possibilities! This time I just went with a women's cut crew neck t-shirt under it, but it looked cute! I’ve got some great ideas for tops to wear under it.
Never learned how to smile. Believe it or not that’s MUCH better
Next time? I have some ankle boots. We're gonna give that a try. A friend once told me, always be moving a little further out of your comfort. Push that envelope. Move the ball. Figure it out.
Hair is a big bugbear for me. I've got a lot growing back with the help of various therapies, but in the meantime, I've got a topper. Problem is the toppers don't last all that long - I'm on my second and about to buy my third and I'm still learning how to clean it so it retains some semblance of silky smooth hair!
Maybe the leave-on conditioner might help... At least it's cheap.
As a fellow curly hair woman, I can understand the struggle. I think it’ll get a bit easier for you once it grows out more (if you want to keep growing it), and it weighs itself down.
Personally, I’m a big believer in the Curly Girl Method (with some tweaks). I started using it when I started growing my hair and I thought I was a cis man (no signs), and it’s really worked for me imo. Right now I’m going outside more again, and humidity is getting to be a problem so I need to do research on what to do about that.