Such Great Heights
Hello friends, it’s Jenn again, finally having a little more to say and more time to say it! There’s been a lot going on since I last wrote: A trip to Seattle that has apparently changed my life, plans for the future, seeing a possible real future with the absolutely mind-blowing ascension of one Kamala Harris, and solving some dysphoria while developing a whole new one. Let’s dive in, shall we?
I travel a lot for work, but July was different than any of that, and even different than any of the family trips I’ve ever taken. But first, a little background. A couple years ago I, almost on a whim, decided to buy my wife tickets to see two of her favorite bands playing together - Death Cab for Cutie and The Postal Service! Amazing combo and main possible because the great Ben Gibbard fronts both. This was before Jenn, before I would even crack a few months later. An almost random act that would even up changing my life yet again. I keep telling everyone, I may not believe in Gods, but I sure do believe the universe has a flow and when I flow with it, things seem to just fall into place!
One thing, the tickets were in Seattle. Well, why not? We’d take a family vacation to Seattle, and her and I would take in a concert. Simple enough.
Yada yada yada, there were some changes in the meantime (see The Story So Far from last time) and a year later Ashley and Jennifer took the kids to Seattle for a family vacation and a concert excursion. Why not? As the previous year had taught me, you have to live while you can!
Simple enough, except…it wasn’t. Something happened to us there, something we hadn’t expected. We fell in love with the place. As we started enjoying the sights: the Majestic Mt. Ranier, Pike’s Place Market, the Ferry across the Sound, the giant Ferris Wheel, downtown and the amazing views of nature all around, we started feeling like we didn’t want to leave. I’ve had this feeling before, but my wife? Big city life is not her bag, and yet she felt comfortable there in a way she never had anywhere else, even back in our own Missouri where she’s been her entire life!
Of course, real life calls, so we spent our four days there (including 2 nights of the concert, but more on that in a bit) and went home. And Seattle came with us. It’s hard to describe. It’s hardly a perfect place - super expensive, insane traffic, and many issues with inequity, but…it’s also a place that feels so much more in line with our values, that cares about things like social equality and real personal freedom to live as your authentic self. And not for nothing, but I saw trans women there everywhere, just going about their lives like it wasn’t a thing. I was amazed. And we both came to the conclusion that we could see ourselves moving there.
Everything Will Change
October 6th, 2023 was the Death Cab/Postal Service concert, and truly it was the greatest concert experience of my life - and I’ve been to a LOT of concerts. We both have together; it’s kind of our love language. This however, would be the first big show I would see with her as Jennifer. And it was a magical night. If you get a chance to see either band, DO IT! Ben is a natural showman, and it’s a highly orchestrated affair, and a great time.
But it was more than that. We had been through so much together in almost 20 years together, and these bands had been important to her even before then, and the soundtrack to a lot of her teenage heartache. I was a fan, but not to her level. But I know this music. I’m a sucker for anything Indie rock.
And then, a connection. We were listening, and holding each other and swaying back and forth and the song Brand New Colony came on, and I started crying. And I looked at her, and she was also crying. Here’s some of the lyrics:
[Chorus]
I want to take you far from the cynics in this town
And kiss you on the mouth
We'll cut our bodies free from the tethers of this scene
Start a brand new colony
Where everything will change
We'll give ourselves new names, identities erased
The sun will heat the grounds
Under our bare feet in this brand new colony
(This brand new colony)
[Bridge]
Everything will change
Ooh, ooh
Everything will change
Ooh, ooh
Everything will change
Ooh, ooh
Do you see it? It’s an anthem for our new lives together, where everything will change. In that moment, we had catharis, and all the frustrations of the last decades melted away. And I put my head on her should, and we held each other and sang along.
Yes, they all wore white. After Labor Day even!
On the plane ride home, those lyrics echoed in my head. We needed a brand new colony, where we could erase our old identities and cut our bodies free from our old lives. I became determined that we would return to Seattle, and sooner than later, we would live there.
The District Sleeps Tonight
We planned a return trip, to “Scout the place out” as we said at the time. But as the months rolled by and July of this year came close, it became more of just plan for her and I to have a vacation to ourselves, no kids, just us. I still had the designs to convince her it was the place to go, but reality had sunk in during that time, and she just didn’t see it happening.
That was deflating for me, but I kept it in my pocket. We’d see how it went. And how it went was…kind of insane. The first couple days were fun - we saw Mt. Ranier, went whale watching, had a really nice time. Except she started feeling bad. Just to get it out of the way, we got her a covid test. Surely it was just a formality and…damn, really? Our vacation! My grand plan! It wasn’t fair, damn it!
Pretty amazing views from our little quarantine zone anyway!
So…we made the best of it. She stayed in our B&B and I went out, bringing home food and watching movies with her. Somehow? I was never infected. Here’s to vaccines, huh? And in the middle of all that? Somebody tries to kill Trump’s dumb ass!
We had been depressed and feeling hopeless since that damned debate, like democracy was on terminal life support and I’d probably be declared public enemy by this time next year. Watching Trump survive that and that it even happened at all just had me going, “OK, real life is over. This is just reality circling the drain.” But somehow, it made us feel resolved. We got her out of the house for the last few days and enjoyed nature and the last night even got to spend time with a friend of mine as we saw what could be as the three of us had the most amazing time, like old friend. So when it was time to go? Again, we didn’t want to! The world had gone made, and nothing was assured, so why not live how we wanted? It was decided, we were moving to Seattle.
The plane ride home this time was full of planning. Looking at job areas, looking at apartment prices and school districts. We felt that familiar feeling, like when I began my transition and our relationship was reborn - we felt hope. We felt maybe we wouldn’t stagnate, which had of course been the real issue. Missouri, for good or ill, is all used up, and it’s time to go.
Getting back into my routine just re-enforced that idea, that sometimes you have to move. You have to relocate so you don’t get stuck in place. I thought about how there, I never once thought “oh am I doing too much? Is this too fem?” No instead it was, “Wow, how I can dial it up?”
The weekend after we got back I decided to turn on the local news, and boy did that drive the point home! Not one, but TWO commercials for the upcoming Missouri primary declared ME as the big problem needing to be fixed. No longer was I just an awkward trans girl trying to make my way through the world. No, now I was…THE TRANSGENDER MENACE !
Commercial 1: A woman with a southern drawl highly exaggerated for Missouri walks through the woods with a shotgun, talking about how she’ll deal with “all this trans crap menacing our kids!” As she says that, she takes aim at a target and fires! Message Received.
Commercial 2: A stylish looking woman walks through the city streets of Kansas City, talking about how the people there are afraid of her and won’t vote for her because they’re “weak and gay.” She assures the viewer that when SHE’S secretary of state, she’ll know how to deal with the woke agenda and trans menace.” She then, I kid you not, takes a FLAMETHROWER to a stack of supposedly “woke” books, setting them ablaze. Uhh…wut?
They didn’t win, but the fact that these things were even being said openly? Scary stuff. But hey, thanks ladies, you made it clear that leaving wasn’t just a good idea, but a life-saving decision!
And then finally, the malaise is lifted as Biden makes the (IMHO) magnanimous and yes even noble decision to withdraw from the race, and throw his weight behind his capable and far younger VP, Kamala Harris. And I, and the 70% of the country who just wanted another option than re-running the 2020 election, breathed a sigh of relief!
You Are a Tourist
In some ways I’m in a liminal space, waiting for the next big moment. In others, there’s so much happening, and so much to do! 62 Days to defeat fascism! Or at least, my little part of that fight. 6 months to the house ready to put on the market! 9 months to get relocated and move, and in the meantime keep working on all the other things (still doing this transition thing, ya know). And until I can leave, I’ll be here, feeling just like a tourist in the place I was born, but hopeful that I will find a better place where I belong. A brand new colony, where everything will change. So I hope!
💜 🫂